"Come-a knock on my door. I won't be be waitin'-a for you"

If you're a fat cow that is.




Okay, that sounds harsh, and it is, but let me explain myself. I have no problem with fat people. They're generally very nice (I mean, they kind of have to be) and I'll admit that being overweight isn't necassarily preventable for some people. However, I'm not talking about your average slightly overwieght person. Shit, I myself am somewhat overweight. I'm talking about the cows and specifically for this blog, those of the female persuasion. Well, without further ado here's my tale.
Wednesday night. Not my standard lets get wasted night but you can never tell with me. I begin the night drinking vodka tonics and leave to go to Sego Cafe to see Rachel play open mic with a nice solid buzz. I continue drinking steadily there, mostly Guiness and once Rachel's set is over we moved on to the pizza place. Had a pitcher there and ended up at the bar. This is where the story starts to get interesting. The bar I go to is having a ladies night special. I'm so wasted at this point that I don't really care. Eye candy, I think to myself, as I order all I can drink (easily the best part of this ladies night, after cover, guys drink for free too). Anyways I meet up with Connonlly and drink a plethora of beers before we decided to move on out. I was quite intoxicated and not paying too much attention to my surroundings but from what I could gather Connolly was makin' out with a pretty attractive lady who seemed to be alone. When we decided to roll out the girl Connolly was with, and her fat friend decided to follow along. I still didn't think much of this considering I was so wasted and just ignored her as another member of a slew of people who I didn't know that I was currently hanging out with. On the walk to Sal's pizza, apparently my second trip of the night, all the alcohol got the best of me and I booted a lil while walking. I took it in stride. The fatty asks me if I'm alright and I respond with an encore booting performance and a grunt. But I was fine after that and ready to fill back up. At Sal's I ended up drinking more beer until the fatty proposes the idea of getting a cab back home. I mention that I have NO money and was actually pretty pumped for the walk.....This is where the story takes a turn for the worse. She grabs my hand and says, "That's okay, you can stay with me in my room tonight." I'm absolutely baffled by this turn of events seeing as how I hadn't even gotten this girls name or even spoken a word to her. Being the asshole I am, I do like the prospect of a free ride home so I hop along. The cab we get is a van style and I'm in the middle of the far back seat. Fatty to my left and Connolly and his girl to my right. They start going at it in the cab and the next thing I know fatty grabs my arm and puts it around her rather large shoulders. To this I say "ehhh, she's giving me a free ride home" and don't think much of it. That is until she physically smacks me in the face and pulls me towards her face to go in for the kiss. She plants one until I pull back in disgust and muster up a "wow!" Not the good kind of wow either. So now she puts her hand on my thigh and I'm feeling increasingly akward as the seconds slowly tick off the clock. I look to my right and see Connolly's lady puking into a cup. I mention to the cab driver, "It could be worse" and then fatty goes, "LET ME OUT OF THE CAR RIGHT NOW! STOP THE CAR OR I'LL PUKE TOO". Needless to say I was opening the fridge as my window of opportunity to get away had just opened. The side door of the vancab opened and I was out like a phantom. I'm pretty sure I beat both the potential pukers out of the car and just briskly walked my way in the opposite direction of the cow. After I felt like they couldn't see me anymore I broke into a gazelle like stride and ran all the way back to my room.
Fatties, you have to run away from them.
P.S. Connolly said the cow was super pissed and suprised by my actions. He also calls this tale "tale of the year" due to the fact that watching me from behind and seeing my blazer flap in the breeze was quite hillarious.
P.P.S. I didn't break any of the rules of the Geneva convention. It was perfectly acceptable for me to run from the fatty.

Aliens-You've poked and prodded but you still don't know who we are

I know what you’re saying. Why is this a valid topic to write about? You’ll see my friends you’ll see. I have a few questions for these so-called “extraterrestrials”.

Why does it seem like these aliens are always abducting rednecks. I mean, the south and those that prescribe to a redneck set of beliefs do make up a solid amount of our country, but they don’t speak for the world. These people shoot guns at anything that moves, mate within their own families, believe squirrels are a delicacy etc. They don’t have a lot of teeth either. Last time I checked this is not the case with the average earthling, except the whole shooting guns at everything part. So, why hicks? I guess they’re dumb enough to be wandering in a field at an ungodly hour of the night but it just seems to me, thinking like an alien of course, that you’d want one of two things in the earthlings that you decide to abduct. If your goal, as said alien, were taking over our planet, wouldn’t you want to abduct the leaders, or at least someone who was mildly intelligent? I mean, I’m no “alien expert” (get used to me being not at expert at anything I talk about in this blog) but, I seem to remember watching an alien show or two on sci-fi channel or National Geographic and, no offense…actually fuck it, to full offense, the “survivors” were not all that intelligent. It’s not hard to mispronounce “U.F.O.” seeing as how they are just letters in the form that we’ve all agreed upon but these people manage to pull it off, quite nicely I might add. I’ve got this feeling, and call me crazy, but if aliens are hell bent on universal domination and, quite obviously, need the earth to complete that goal, the people they should be poking and prodding should be the people hell bent on world domination; Like the Bush administration for instance. They could probably use an anal probe stuck up their respective Asses. Although there may not be enough room with all the bullshit they got up there. But that’s for a whole different blog all together. The second type of person aliens should be more interested in abducting are people that they’d like to kill. Oh wait…maybe they’re on the right track when they park outside of the Indianapolis 500.
A smarter choice would be going to a college town or an urban area to really find information about the human species right? There’s plenty of people, different ethnicities and different levels of intelligence. So why not go to New York City and suck up some Manhattanite while he’s sipping his Starbucks coffee and probably holding an umbrella.

Although I don’t really know how sticking something up an ass is a valid way to gain information on us humans. Maybe that’s not even the case, maybe they’re just perverts.

Either way, Aliens, You may think you know us, but you have no idea!