Commuting--No one does it by choice

Preamble(That's right. You know it's going to be sick if you write a preamble). Anyways, here's my first attempt at actually writing one of my rants. It's slightly dated but this is the first time it's being transcribed on the internet. Aren't all ya'llz lucky. Well, without further ado, here it is.

Why Commuting Sucks? Don't even get me started

First off, let's make this abundantly clear. For the lucky few of you out there who haven't expereinced that hustle and bustle of morning commute into New York City I'll give you a pretty solid analogy to keep in mind. Commuting is about as fun as masturbating to pictures of Sally Jesse Raphael. As most of you can gather, that sort of thing is not really fun and games. I commute via train which is arguable the most inexpensive yet worst way to commute.

Reason #1: It smells. Don't ask me how or why but I'm quite certain train cars have this as a special feature to make your trip EXTRA enjoyable. After running constant trips all day, usually beginning at about 5 a.m., these train cars become a mobile container for everyones rancid morning breath. Now, don't get me wrong, my morning breath could be bottled, pressurized and then used as a non-lethal chemical weapon, but when you put mine plus thousands of others together, throughout the day, that shit could easily be mistaken for Hiroshima if you dropped that shit on someone. Secondly, why does it always smell like urinal cakes? If someone could answer this question for me I'd be more comfortable sleeping at night. Did the bathroom explode? Are we fueling our trains nowadays using 10,000 flushes blue? It just boggles my mind.

Reason #2: Noise pollution. Okay, I usually have my trusty Ipod on-fairly loud-and drone out my fellow commuters yet sometimes, when I'm feeling like an piece of ass from a long night of drinking and forgotten to turn it off in my car the night before, I have no other choice but to suffer with the grumblings and bumblings of those around me. These are the days I hate (and if you know me, you know that me being hungover and this scenario happening fairly often is not at all far fetched). But on these fateful days there's always several things the average commuter will come in contact with that really "Grind my Gears", thanks Seth Mcfarlane!
For starters there's always at least one asshole who deems it necassary to "bling" someone up on his/her nextel phone. If you're confused with my hip lingo, "bling" is the walkie talkie feature these sorry excuses for cell phones have. I've been known to call it "the walkie talkie with a direct line to H-E-double hockey sticks." Not only does the voice coming from the other end sound like a demon burning in hell but, the conversation, if you can even call it that (Yes I do listen in. If you're going to be an asshole and broadcast your private life for all to hear, I'm going to eavesdrop a little. It's my right, deal with it), usually goes something like this:

Commuter: Hey man! What's up?
Person on other line/Demon from Hell: HISISSSSSKIASHHHHHNothingmuchHISSSSYou?
Commuter: WHHHHHAAATTT???????
D.F.H.: HIIISSSSS I SAID HIISSSSSSSSSS You?
Commuter: Oh cool. I'm on the train.

And this obviously useless banter continues. This could be a topic of a whole new entry(and probably will be) but also in regards to sound, the one day you actually do want to sleep on the train there's always someone who beat you to the punch. You're always just one step behind, a little slow on the uptake if you will. And not only that, he/she is snoring relentlessly. I once had the inconvience of this exact scenario. On a day I was hungover nonetheless(told you it happens a lot). This man was seated directly behind me and lets just say he was "choppin' some serious wood". My only obvious course of action was to violently slam my body into the back of my seat. That, of course, did nothing to disrupt this man's slumber. Not fun times.

Reason #3: Trains go a lot slower than one would expect. I had better pick up in my 1992 Hyundai Excel (R.I.P.). Granted the train is carrying a hell of a lot more weight it's still the year 2005. What's the max speed on your average train. This is a guess because I'm the type of person who likes to base things on my own opinion rather than fact, but I'm going to go with 50-55 M-P-H's. Granny from the town nursing home drives her car faster than that. *Shakes fist*
And they break down WAY too often. When I'm in my car there's at least some warning signs. In the vast wasteland that is the world of commuting via train, I'm here for a reason and one reason only. I HAVE to be somewhere important, and on time. I don't have time to be waiting for Johnny Minimum Wage to take his sweet ass time fixing this age old technology. We should be hovering or teleporting by now.....GEEZ